Glamour, Glamour and Pre-Vetted Gags: Global Football Ceremony Goes to Washington.

The listings for the Kennedy Center in Washington highlights a fun bilingual production and an ad-libbed Shakespeare company. Notably absent from the public line-up is this week's Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly closed-door affair. Organizers appear determined to keep out any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory spectacle where highly compensated dignitaries will undoubtedly echo the old platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Line-Up

A glamorous ceremony is set to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum together with diminutive US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Collectively, they will oversee a ceremony that will undoubtedly have British football fans who remember missing the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last the thick end of three grueling hours, the show will include a staggering agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, pre-vetted gags, famous faces, musical turns from acts with either little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Duty

Among those tasked with conducting the draw? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, deep well of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting legends, barring an armed security team storming the event, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an overly deferential English yes-man is any kind of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every area, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Actual Draw

With 42 nations already qualified for next summer's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their own country will play in the group stages, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and special actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are widespread, though the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side on a five-game losing streak, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, requiring an additional song?"